jaegermighty (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
moirariordan) wrote2011-12-15 03:11 pm
moirariordan) wrote2011-12-15 03:11 pm
i think mark twain would appreciate this, i really, really do
I am sick. I came home early from work today. So obviously I decided to put together this useless post on the most ridiculous show in the universe. Really, Meagan, the most ridiculous show - YES REALLY. THE MOST. I love it.
Friends. Neighbors. Random Googlers. Let me introduce you to:
RINGER.
Okay! So the first thing you should know about this show is that it's fucking complicated. Like, really, really complicated. You cannot just start watching in the middle because that is just not how this shit works. You watch it from the beginning or NOT AT ALL. You might want to take notes. I did.
We'll start easy. This is Bridget. She is the Main Character. She is Poor, and has a Dark Past, that involves stripping and drugs and other Dark Things like that. She was also the witness to the murder of a fellow stripper by a mob boss, and because she is a Good Person, she decided to testify, so now all these people want her dead, and what is a girl to do, really, other than escape federal custody and run to the Hamptons to seek asylum from her rich twin sister. I mean, it's only logical.
This is Siobhan (pronounced: "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, SHIV-AHN?!"). She is Rich. You can tell by her huge sunglasses. She is also Not a Good Person. You can tell that by her tightly-pulled back hair, and the fact that she is Rich.
As you can already tell, they are both played by Buffy. I mean, Sarah Michelle Gellar. In the beginning, you can tell them apart by telling yourself, "okay, so the one wearing flannel is obviously the poor stripper." Later on, you can tell them apart by which one is sitting somewhere vaguely European-looking and scheming on her cell phone. More on that later.
Bridget and Siobhan have been estranged for an indeterminate amount of time. So when Bridget shows up out of nowhere and says, "hey sis, long time no see, so by the way, there's a contract out on my life," Siobhan takes her out on a speedboat and fakes her own death. As one does.
Basically, we're talking about Daphne from Scooby Doo vs. Kathryn from Cruel Intentions. Only with better clothes.
There's also some vague reference to someone named "Sean," who we know is a kid, and the reason why they don't talk anymore. I'm going to take a leap of logic and assume that whatever happened to Sean, it was Not Good, and Very Tragic.
So, since Siobhan has "killed herself" (AKA: ran away to Paris), Bridget naturally assumes her sister's life in order to get away from the mob/the FBI/her Dark Past. She also really does think Siobhan is dead. So this all makes sense, because what better way to deal with the grief.
But it's okay! Because there's Intrigue! And Mystery! And really, really hot people! Like this guy:
"My name is Ioan Gruffudd, and I am the only reason that Meagan watches this show."
Meet Andrew, Siobhan's husband! He has a sexy accent, and is mostly a good person. Bridget is obviously going to fall in love with him, and obviously this will be the only part of this show that is actually engaging, because THINK ABOUT THAT EPIC SHIT. HE THINKS SHE'S HIS WIFE, BUT REALLY SHE'S HIS WIFE'S TWIN RUNNING AWAY FROM THE MOB BUT HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER ANYWAY BECAUSE SHE'S EVERYTHING THAT HE LIKED ABOUT SIOBHAN, ONLY MORE GENUINE AND KIND HEARTED, AND NONE OF THAT SHADY EVIL-RICH-TWIN SHIT - ahem. This is secretly the only reason I am making this post. Because I want fic.
This is Henry. He is hapless. He is also Siobhan's lover. Bridget shuts that down immediately, obviously. Because she's a Good Person, remember. And also Destined to be with Andrew.
And this is Gemma! She's Siobhan's best friend. And Henry's wife. OH SNAP. Bridget tells her the truth about who she is, which obviously means that she gets kidnapped by someone shady and mysterious, possibly Siobhan. I'm not too clear on that part. Because it's Mysterious.
Aaannnd this is Juliet, Andrew's daughter and Siobhan's stepdaughter. She's a Teenage Rebel, which we know because the first time we see her, she's having kinky sex. Also she got kicked out of boarding school for doing something rebellious. This is how Bridget will bond with her and connect with her emotionally and be the mother figure she's never had before and generally improve her life.
BUT NOT BEFORE SHE DOES SOME CREEPY SHIT WITH LOGAN ECHOLLS.
"Oh, I'm totally not going to emotionally cripple you. Swear."
Logan's been moving on up in the world - he's a teacher now! Still a little off, you know, since he now enjoys engaging in flirtation with his students, and possibly rape. Like I said before, it's Mysterious, so we don't know.
And last but not least, this is Malcolm! He's Bridget's NA sponsor, and a Bad Ass. He is the only one who knows Bridget's secret and who doesn't get kidnapped and possibly murdered. He's also pretty hot and gets beat up a lot.
Hmm, some other things you don't know: everyone thinks Siobhan is pregnant, and since Bridget, you know, isn't, she faints and tells everyone she had a miscarriage (I know right, totally logical, of course, of course) and Siobhan is secretly an evil puppetmaster who is somehow orchestrating many of these things, including Gemma's kidnapping and Bridget taking over her life, somehow, and also flirting with Andrew's co-workers in Paris and making "I don't care" faces into the camera while hanging up on people with her cell phone all the time, I know, God, what a bitch.
Also, Bridget and Andrew get it on and are constantly hot. Since Bridget and Siobhan obviously have the exact same body fat and birthmarks and sex habits, this works out fine for both of them.
Tara shows up and she's a stripper and there's an FBI guy who does a lot of Mysterious Investigating and figures out that someone in the police is feeding information to the Mob Boss, which is why Bridget ran. There's also a gun which causes a lot of drama, and this guy that Bridget kills (because Siobhan may or may not have tried to have her killed, I don't know, it's Mysterious) and lots of fake names and such, which really doesn't help the general, mass confusion that this show's plotline produces.
I say "plotline," but what I really mean is "RANDOM SHIT" because that's basically what this show is. Random, dramatic shit, with long, introspective silences and hilarious cliffhangers.
Oh, did I mention? The cliffhangers are a work of art. There is one at every commercial break. And they're hilarious. Because someone will go, "HEY YOU, WHY ARE YOU CALLING YOURSELF SIOBHAN?" and Bridget will make her "OH FUCK" face, and then we'll come back from break and they'll be all, "LOL, I THOUGHT YOU USED A FAKE NAME HERE." And I groan and say to myself, "WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHOW" and then I eat more popcorn and stay right where I am.
I don't even know what it is. It's ridiculous. It's campy as hell, and I fucking love it. I want to read epic fic about Bridget's heart of gold melting the frozen-over emotional landscape of Andrew's fragile psyche. I want there to be more fake babies. And kidnapping plots, and random murders, and improbable teenage situations for Bridget to help Juliet with, and for Bridget to just completely, obviously, totally FAIL AT BEING SIOBHAN and NOBODY NOTICES, and I want everyone to love it as much as I love it.
And most of all, I want all the puns in the world. ALL OF THEM.
Okay, feel free to unfriend me now. I'll understand.
Friends. Neighbors. Random Googlers. Let me introduce you to:
RINGER.
Okay! So the first thing you should know about this show is that it's fucking complicated. Like, really, really complicated. You cannot just start watching in the middle because that is just not how this shit works. You watch it from the beginning or NOT AT ALL. You might want to take notes. I did.
We'll start easy. This is Bridget. She is the Main Character. She is Poor, and has a Dark Past, that involves stripping and drugs and other Dark Things like that. She was also the witness to the murder of a fellow stripper by a mob boss, and because she is a Good Person, she decided to testify, so now all these people want her dead, and what is a girl to do, really, other than escape federal custody and run to the Hamptons to seek asylum from her rich twin sister. I mean, it's only logical.
This is Siobhan (pronounced: "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, SHIV-AHN?!"). She is Rich. You can tell by her huge sunglasses. She is also Not a Good Person. You can tell that by her tightly-pulled back hair, and the fact that she is Rich.
As you can already tell, they are both played by Buffy. I mean, Sarah Michelle Gellar. In the beginning, you can tell them apart by telling yourself, "okay, so the one wearing flannel is obviously the poor stripper." Later on, you can tell them apart by which one is sitting somewhere vaguely European-looking and scheming on her cell phone. More on that later.
Bridget and Siobhan have been estranged for an indeterminate amount of time. So when Bridget shows up out of nowhere and says, "hey sis, long time no see, so by the way, there's a contract out on my life," Siobhan takes her out on a speedboat and fakes her own death. As one does.
Basically, we're talking about Daphne from Scooby Doo vs. Kathryn from Cruel Intentions. Only with better clothes.
There's also some vague reference to someone named "Sean," who we know is a kid, and the reason why they don't talk anymore. I'm going to take a leap of logic and assume that whatever happened to Sean, it was Not Good, and Very Tragic.
So, since Siobhan has "killed herself" (AKA: ran away to Paris), Bridget naturally assumes her sister's life in order to get away from the mob/the FBI/her Dark Past. She also really does think Siobhan is dead. So this all makes sense, because what better way to deal with the grief.
But it's okay! Because there's Intrigue! And Mystery! And really, really hot people! Like this guy:
"My name is Ioan Gruffudd, and I am the only reason that Meagan watches this show."
Meet Andrew, Siobhan's husband! He has a sexy accent, and is mostly a good person. Bridget is obviously going to fall in love with him, and obviously this will be the only part of this show that is actually engaging, because THINK ABOUT THAT EPIC SHIT. HE THINKS SHE'S HIS WIFE, BUT REALLY SHE'S HIS WIFE'S TWIN RUNNING AWAY FROM THE MOB BUT HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER ANYWAY BECAUSE SHE'S EVERYTHING THAT HE LIKED ABOUT SIOBHAN, ONLY MORE GENUINE AND KIND HEARTED, AND NONE OF THAT SHADY EVIL-RICH-TWIN SHIT - ahem. This is secretly the only reason I am making this post. Because I want fic.
This is Henry. He is hapless. He is also Siobhan's lover. Bridget shuts that down immediately, obviously. Because she's a Good Person, remember. And also Destined to be with Andrew.
And this is Gemma! She's Siobhan's best friend. And Henry's wife. OH SNAP. Bridget tells her the truth about who she is, which obviously means that she gets kidnapped by someone shady and mysterious, possibly Siobhan. I'm not too clear on that part. Because it's Mysterious.
Aaannnd this is Juliet, Andrew's daughter and Siobhan's stepdaughter. She's a Teenage Rebel, which we know because the first time we see her, she's having kinky sex. Also she got kicked out of boarding school for doing something rebellious. This is how Bridget will bond with her and connect with her emotionally and be the mother figure she's never had before and generally improve her life.
BUT NOT BEFORE SHE DOES SOME CREEPY SHIT WITH LOGAN ECHOLLS.
"Oh, I'm totally not going to emotionally cripple you. Swear."
Logan's been moving on up in the world - he's a teacher now! Still a little off, you know, since he now enjoys engaging in flirtation with his students, and possibly rape. Like I said before, it's Mysterious, so we don't know.
And last but not least, this is Malcolm! He's Bridget's NA sponsor, and a Bad Ass. He is the only one who knows Bridget's secret and who doesn't get kidnapped and possibly murdered. He's also pretty hot and gets beat up a lot.
Hmm, some other things you don't know: everyone thinks Siobhan is pregnant, and since Bridget, you know, isn't, she faints and tells everyone she had a miscarriage (I know right, totally logical, of course, of course) and Siobhan is secretly an evil puppetmaster who is somehow orchestrating many of these things, including Gemma's kidnapping and Bridget taking over her life, somehow, and also flirting with Andrew's co-workers in Paris and making "I don't care" faces into the camera while hanging up on people with her cell phone all the time, I know, God, what a bitch.
Also, Bridget and Andrew get it on and are constantly hot. Since Bridget and Siobhan obviously have the exact same body fat and birthmarks and sex habits, this works out fine for both of them.
Tara shows up and she's a stripper and there's an FBI guy who does a lot of Mysterious Investigating and figures out that someone in the police is feeding information to the Mob Boss, which is why Bridget ran. There's also a gun which causes a lot of drama, and this guy that Bridget kills (because Siobhan may or may not have tried to have her killed, I don't know, it's Mysterious) and lots of fake names and such, which really doesn't help the general, mass confusion that this show's plotline produces.
I say "plotline," but what I really mean is "RANDOM SHIT" because that's basically what this show is. Random, dramatic shit, with long, introspective silences and hilarious cliffhangers.
Oh, did I mention? The cliffhangers are a work of art. There is one at every commercial break. And they're hilarious. Because someone will go, "HEY YOU, WHY ARE YOU CALLING YOURSELF SIOBHAN?" and Bridget will make her "OH FUCK" face, and then we'll come back from break and they'll be all, "LOL, I THOUGHT YOU USED A FAKE NAME HERE." And I groan and say to myself, "WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHOW" and then I eat more popcorn and stay right where I am.
I don't even know what it is. It's ridiculous. It's campy as hell, and I fucking love it. I want to read epic fic about Bridget's heart of gold melting the frozen-over emotional landscape of Andrew's fragile psyche. I want there to be more fake babies. And kidnapping plots, and random murders, and improbable teenage situations for Bridget to help Juliet with, and for Bridget to just completely, obviously, totally FAIL AT BEING SIOBHAN and NOBODY NOTICES, and I want everyone to love it as much as I love it.
And most of all, I want all the puns in the world. ALL OF THEM.
Okay, feel free to unfriend me now. I'll understand.
no subject
also, it sounds like amazing night time drama stuff, very classic evening soap kind of thing! you have convinced me to at least try the first eps and see if i feel like reaching for the popcorn!